But I think I'm starting to understand them.
My life isn't rubbish, in fact compared to a lot of people you could say my life is good.
If you walked in to my department at work you would see a smiling, laughing woman who would happily get up to greet you and give you a helping hand.
If you walked into my home it would be a similar picture.
Here in Blog-land, I thoroughly enjoy sharing ideas and designs and encouraging others.
Where I am most successful in my life is at the smiling part.
Not always, I can do a grumpy face when it is absolutely necessary. (When I've caught my leg on someones desk drawer for the umpteenth time because the haven't closed it properly or I asked someone to put the kettle on and they didn't bother - Grumpy situation.)
But the truth is that recently all I want to do is cry or scream. And that's not who I am.
It feels like everything is spinning out of control. The problem is I'm not sure I explain it.
Maybe it's like sitting in a pool of stagnating water, with a head crammed with ideas and designs and thoughts. But you can't move. You desperately try but the sliminess of the water holds you in place and when you reach out for help the shadows turn and move away. Hmm maybe to dark.
Something more 2019, this might be better description, lets say it's like an annual appraisal and after:
You look around and see chaos setting in, so you explain the situation and request some changes to assist with a bit of reorganisation, but instead of assistance you only get negative feedback.
So you desperately plod on, trying different tactics and methods, hoping you can fix the problems. You occasionally ask others for a bit of help but get nowhere. So they person stops asking for help. All the time you are still slowly getting deeper into chaos. This situation persists until finally the boss fires you for unproductive work ethics.
Sorry for the whole appraisal referencing thingy, it's the next section we have to cover in my HR course.
But that's the other thing isn't it, how the hell can you become an effective HR person when you can't Win at life yourself.
We did a mental Health coffee morning at work the other month, where we all had to make a pledge, initially I pledged to smile more. Someone spotted read my pledge and said "but you are always smiling, I don't think you can smile more". Not a negative comment really, but if you are the person who is expected to smile and be happy so that everyone else feels happier. What do you do?
So I made a new pledge, "To do the things I love more" and it was at this moment ladies and gentlemen that I started to truly feel like I was failing at life. It was at this moment when every tiny thing became HUGE.
Example:
My craft room (well 3/4 of it)
CHAOS
I have 95% of all my crafty-stash organised in baskets/drawers/shelving but unfortunately it's not right. I know a messy craft room is not the end of the world, but it can seem like one of the tipping points.
A craft room shouldn't be perfect but it should be happy.
I have bought a magnetic whiteboard, so I wouldn't be sticking stuff to my shelves and I'd have somewhere to scribble new ideas.
I was told:
"well there's one screw already here so you only need one more"
I love crafting cards/sewing projects/crochet items and sharing it all with everyone.
I love helping others to feel better when they are feeling low.
I'm proud of what the company I work for does to keep people safe.
And I love my family and being there for them.
But I guess there is a small part of me that hates it all right now. And that's wrong.
How do you get the stream flowing so the pond clears?
How do you talk to people who don't want to hear?
Sorry for the miserable whinging session.
I hope the photo of my craft room has cheered some of you up, bet you're glad yours isn't that bad. Or inspired you to think big.
Hugs & Happy thoughts to you all
Buffy xx
